You Must Not Love Me Much, But Love Me Right

While it may be hard to believe, loving a lot does not mean loving right. For the crowd sometimes does not go hand in hand with the emotional qualities needed. Love is not enough when there is no respect. Not everything has to be forgiven because of passion, which can be destructive and alienating.

Aaron T. Black is one of the most recognized psychiatrists in cognitive behavioral therapy. He describes this in his book “Love is not enough.” On each side we can see the reflection of many of our own thoughts and behaviors. In essence, most of us are rooted in the idea that love conquers all, that it is a non-combustible energy that heals everything and corrects everything.

“In love, the paradox arises that two beings become one and still remain two.”
–Erich Fromm

Being “loved a lot” is not enough to make us truly happy. It’s something quite discouraging, there’s no doubt about it. However, the same thing happens in other aspects. Talent is not enough to succeed, nor is money the key, and the direct path is not always the path to the happiness we expected and dreamed of.

Life is full of nuances that sometimes make us desperate, other times confuse us, and sometimes they make us absolutely defenseless. Loving a lot is not always a reflection of true love. It is something we need to understand as quickly as possible to know how to react, put sad idealizations behind us and be able to form strong relationships that mature.

To love much, but to love wrong

Many of us choose certain partners because we say to ourselves  “he / she is the right one, the one who best suits us, who can make us happy”. However, the reality is very different. For as most of us already know, no one chooses who they fall in love with. Love, like passion, is not chosen. It comes and blows us away.

Little by little, we sink into the vortex of emotions, sensations, and idealizations that make the relationship almost heavenly. We tell ourselves and everyone else that “our love is magical, exuberant and has no cracks.” Without us even realizing it, we reach the point of devotion where there are no boundaries and we ” just live for you. ” It is the happy co-dependence where we love each other so much and where yours and mine are ruined to make room for “ours”. Our own identities are being dissolved.

It is important to understand that the love that is supposedly sent from heaven and is unconditional is the most dangerous. For true love is on earth and it needs boundaries. You want boundaries that protect you. There must be a private space to be respected and harmonies that will maintain the right balance.

When love is given in surplus and asserted in the same way, it can become tyrannical. The following dynamics can be displayed.

The 4 traps of addictive love and harmful love

Addicted love will sooner or later develop actions that we must recognize, not only to be able to defend ourselves against them, but also to avoid exercising them ourselves.

• The trap of “all or nothing”. Loving a lot and loving wrong can make us professional cheaters without us even knowing it. Mutual devotion should be complete and absolute.
• The trap of “what ought to .” There always comes a time when one or both parties of a couple begin to become obsessed with thinking about what the other person should and should not do. “If they do not do this, they really do not love me. If I do this or that, then he / she must do it for me too. “

• The trap of guilt. This strategy is without a doubt one of the most common in the arena of the relationship. Projecting the feeling of guilt onto your partner to make them feel bad, to have neglected you or to hurt you, without even realizing it, is very common.
• The trap to imagine the worst . Obsessed, addicted, toxic love tends to imagine things that are unfounded and basic. Suspicion of being betrayed and deceived can become a persistent feeling.

Love me beautifully, love me freely while we are together

There are fathers and mothers who love their children powerfully, with selfless devotion and without boundaries . They love them a lot, but they do not really love them. It is a suffocating love that cuts the children’s wings and frustrates childhood, suffocates dreams and even the ability to reach a happy and secure maturity.

“The person who knows how to truly love always wins.”
–Hermann Hesse

At the level of the couple, the same thing almost always occurs. There is no reason to die for love, nor to suffer under it. We must not allow it to repel us or our self-esteem for the benefit of the other. We should be demanding and say “I do not want you to love me very much. I want you to love me REALLY. ”

On the other hand, it is something we are all aware of. Namely, that there are very few things as important or exciting as feeling loved without boundaries and to an excessive degree. It is a way to affirm ourselves, to feel filled with an overflowing energy that traps us. But we must be careful and keep a cool head because love has boundaries determined by your integrity, dignity and happiness.

If one of these pillars breaks at any time, it’s time to get out of the golden cage.