Shouts As Communication: Common In Many Families

Shouts overheat our brain, put us on guard and attack the subtle balance of our emotions. Unfortunately, shouting like communication is very common in many families. As a result, discomfort and invisible aggressions affect each of us, leaving very deep consequences.

Jardiel Poncela always said that the person who has nothing to say says it out loud. But as funny as it may seem, there is a person who does not understand any other form of communication than the one where screams are used to ask you to pass the plate on, to draw the attention of the child lying right next to of them, or even to comment on the TV show that you see as a family. There are people who cannot communicate without anxiety, their own or the one they are projecting.

“One shouts not to hear the other.”
–Miguel de Unanmuno-

“I can not make up for it,” they reason. Avoiding raising their voice escapes the control of some because it is the tone they have heard since childhood, because it is shouts that have always helped them to be noticed, to mark territory to define authority and also why not, to channel rage, frustration, and contained egos seeking escape routes.

They will hear us better by not raising your voice. We know that. But often you have to shout, because it is the only frequency we can communicate with, the only channel where we see ourselves before others without knowing that if one shouts, it is very likely that the other reacts in the same way , and thus creates disorder and coercive relational dynamics.

This is something that unfortunately happens in many families…

Shouts quietly ruin our relationship

Shouts, in addition to how they may work, have a very specific purpose in the very nature of humanity and other animals : to protect our survival and the group’s risk of danger. Let’s look at a simple example. We are in the middle of the jungle, walking and enjoying nature. Suddenly a scream is heard. It is a capuchin monkey that emits a loud scream that stings in our brain.

Now this cry does not only serve as an “alarm”. It’s a warning to you and your group. Most animals in the environment, like us, react with fear, with excitement. It is a defense mechanism that controls a very specific structure of the brain: the amygdala . Just listen to a loud sound, a high tone, then this small area of ​​the brain instantly interprets it as a threat and activates our sympathetic nervous system, to activate our need to escape.

Knowing that by understanding this biological and instinctive foundation, we can already deduce what it means, for example, to grow up in an environment where there are cries in abundance and where communication always happens in a high tone. The brain lives in a state of constant alarm. Adrenaline is always there, the feeling that we have to defend ourselves from “something”, throws us into a state of chronic stress, of permanently disturbing anxiety.

On the other hand, which further intensifies this reality, when faced with an aggressive communication style, it is common to generate defensive responses with the same emotional charge, with the same offensive component. In this way, we consciously or unconsciously fall into a vicious circle and into such a destructive dynamic, where we all accumulate consequences in this complex jungle of human relationships, where the quality of communication is everything.

Families communicating with shouts

Laura is 18 years old and has just realized something she had not known before. She speaks in a very high tone. Her classmates often tell her that her voice is loudest in class and that when she is in a group, the form of communication is a bit threatening.

“All screams are born of one’s own loneliness”
-León Gieco-

Laura wants to control this behavior. She knows it will not be easy because her parents and siblings at home always communicate this way: shouting. It is not always that there are discussions. It is simply that this is the tone of her voice that she has always grown up with and has become accustomed to. She also knows that in her house, the one who shouts is the one who makes himself heard. Raising the voice is necessary. For the television is always on. Everyone is in their own world and… There is not enough harmony.

In this case, Laura must understand that you can not change a family dynamic from one day to the next. She cannot change others, neither parents nor siblings, but she can change herself. What she can and should do is cognitively control her own verbal style to understand that the screamer is attacking, that one does not have to raise one’s voice to be heard, and it often requires a calm voice to connect say much better with others.

Things do not become more real by shouting them

With this simple example, we want to make something very simple clear. Sometimes we cannot change those who brought us up. We cannot change our past or erase these family dynamics where shouting was always present, even if it was only to ask about the clock or how an exam went.

We cannot change the past. But we can prevent this form of communication from characterizing ourselves in our present, in our friendships or romantic relationships in our own home. Let us remember that it is no longer right even if you shout it. Sometimes it is more intelligent to know how to be quiet and listen. It is even wiser if you know how and in what way you can communicate.