Selfishness In Love: Give Me Far For Nothing

Many people do not give us the love we deserve. It is to their own advantage that they stay with us. It is to satisfy their own desires and fill the void in their lives. Selfishness in love creates chaos and leaves scars. The only way out of such a relationship is by reacting in time.

Selfishness in love cause real, personal disasters. There are those people who behave like children even though they are actually adults. Their childish ego sees emotional relationships as a way for them to satisfy their own needs.

They take and take and look for someone who can give. They are childish people who do not understand – or who do not want to understand – the language of reciprocity.

Abraham Maslow said that it is not necessarily all selfish behavior that is bad. An example is the need to prioritize and invest time in ourselves once in a while. This is a positive thing and it is something that is recommended for good self-confidence. But there is also the other side of the coin where we find a dark, unhealthy and harmful selfishness.

Erich Fromm was one of the first writers to talk about selfishness in love. According to the author of The Fear of Freedom and The Art of Loving , there are those who consider relationships as a means of taking and giving. These are men and women who are unable to look beyond their own precious, personal bubble. 

Selfishness in love, the fifth rider

When the psychologist, John Gottman, from Washington University, explained his famous theory of ‘the four riders’ responsible for breakup in relationships, he overlooked the dimension of selfishness in love. In this approach, he suggested that the biggest dangers in a relationship are indifference, a defensive attitude, criticism and contempt.

One could say that selfishness can be classified as an equally devastating fifth rider. But in reality, Dr. Gottman does not regard this element as an exclusive prediction of a breakdown in a relationship, as it somehow permeates each of his aforementioned dimensions.

The person who criticizes, insults and despises others avoids his responsibility and exhibits terrible selfishness, and this is more than obvious.

Although it seems obvious, we do not always see it right away. As we all know, there are times when love hurts. It hurts when at the beginning of a relationship we make ourselves blind to the obvious.

Most of us have at one time or another risked too much for one person. We have thrown ourselves completely over someone who seemed so perfect and fascinating, only to end up falling down from an emotional sediment. Since the selfish person is deceptive at first, it is easy to fall for them.

Later, when they have received what they want, they reveal their true selves. They use emotional blackmail and manipulation, and it’s like a black hole that engulfs everything. And no, they do not return what they get as their selfish personality has nothing to offer besides shortcomings and disappointments.

Selfish people do not love because they do not know how to love themselves

This sentence may seem contradictory, but it is worth reflecting on for a few seconds. Selfishness in love arises as a result of the inability to love oneself.

How is it possible? We are so used to assuming that selfishness, for example narcissism, is when people only love themselves. But there is a hidden reality that is not so easy to see.

Erich Fromm pointed out in his book, The Art of Loving , that the selfish person actually hates himself. The person lacks self-love and is so frustrated and full of needs that they end up in relationships to meet those needs.

Selfish in love: The selfish partner lacks selfishness

Some time ago, the Department of Psychology at the State University of New York conducted a very revealing study. They compared selfless behavior to selfishness.

It became clear how selfless people feel happier both personally and emotionally. They give without expecting any return. They freely offer their time and resources to others as these actions generate well-being.

Selfish persons seek from others what they do not themselves have. They cannot offer anything to those around them as they simply have nothing to offer. They lack self-esteem and self-confidence. For this reason, selfishness in love is little more than a bear trap in which you try to “catch” someone who can serve as a devoted donor of their love.

As we can see, this behavior is both toxic and painful when it comes to relationships. All of this again reminds us of this essential truth in relationships: Loving oneself is the key to truly loving others. Therefore, we must learn to use our selfishness in a correct and healthy way. Unhealthy selfishness is like a ship without a sail: it never finds a safe haven.