Advising You With Your Children About Everything Is Not Democracy, It Is Bad Upbringing

Upbringing has taken a dull turn over the last few decades. The family structure has also changed dramatically. It has gone from a system that saw children as an asset to one where children became the main focus of the parents’ universe.

The extended family has slowly disappeared. Now many families have only one child and many times also only one parent. Therefore, the child becomes the main focus for those who are mainly responsible for their upbringing. This did not happen before in the time when attention had to be given to many children and other family members. Such as aunts and uncles and grandparents, who also had a great influence on the upbringing of the children.

“If you want your children to keep both feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.”

–Abigail Van Buren–

This pattern is characteristic of the middle and upper classes. Therefore, it has also resulted in something very disturbing: that children have become a status symbol for their parents. They are a “big investment”. There is competition about who has the cutest children, can most languages, are the most developed. Definitely more than any positive adjective we could think of.

Excessive attention to the children

The new parenting pattern is an attempt to produce the perfect children. It is characterized by constant supervision of what they do every day. But not only that, there is also complete control over their future. Their parents “design” a promising future from the time they start walking. 

In order for them to meet these expectations, parents often have a main purpose. Namely, to be sure that their children do not face any problems. It does not fit with the plan that the children get into trouble, much less that they are going to learn how to get out of those problems without the help of the parents, without having to do exactly the right things.

On the other hand, parents have become much more insecure. They fear their own authority. Instead, they become a kind of “coach” for their children. They project their own desires and goals onto their children and are afraid of conflict with their children; they do not want their aversion to anything to affect them too much. This is why they think carefully before setting boundaries.

The kids nowadays

This type of targeted upbringing does not seem to have any promising results. It tends to create children who are insecure and unable to face difficulties and shortcomings. They do not know how to behave when they are no longer in the main focus. And at the same time, they do not understand that in order to get something, you have to work hard for it.

Children, with upbringing according to this standard, think they are better than others. But at the same time, this perception fades away and transitions into the other extreme with overwhelming ease. All the “love for themselves” ends when they are in a situation where everyone else is not praising their actions.

These children are good candidates for addiction. If they are at a crossroads, they will most likely call their parents before trying to resolve the situation themselves.   As adults, they feel that it is a sign of love if their partner finds himself in all their jokes, without criticizing. Deep down, despite all the languages ​​they have learned or all the skills they have developed, they are still emotionally defenseless children.

Asking children for their opinion on everything is bad parenting

This new style of upbringing creates major problems for authorities. The notion that a child is a “miniature adult” is harmful. Some parents feel that if they ask their children for their opinion on everything, then it will increase their authority, but in reality, it has the exact opposite effect. A child aged 5 to 10 in many circumstances has no idea what is best for him, and on the other hand, they feel that in order to develop independence, full obedience is necessary.

The boundaries set by parents are not a way of hindering the freedom or development of their children. On the contrary, they are the reference points that will make the child feel that the world is a safe place. It gives them an area in which they can explore freely and without fear. They also give them the opportunity to learn that reality arises within established parliamentarians and that it is not the child who decides how the world works, but more the other way around.

Family is an institution of asymmetric conditions. Its first priority is to accompany a person in the process of cultural immersion, and in order to follow the path of that culture, it is essential that we give up certain impossible desires. For example, the desire to never lose, the desire that the whole world will bow to our will and many other things that live in every human being.

Their time comes when they try to change the world. But while they are young, they will have to live by the guidelines set by their parents.  Contrary to what many insecure parents think, this process helps set boundaries for their children. The best investment in their future.