Do Not Try To Change Me To Suit Your Wishes

Love me for who I am. Sometimes messy, sarcastic, chaotic, imperfect and always ingenious. Do not ask me to be kind, inferior or quiet. Do not try to change me. Let us not dream of fairy-tale love, but let us also not erase the small details that make us both unique. If that’s how you want it, then it’s better to let go of me. Let me return to my world, to the streams of my river, to my nourishing independence, to my roots.

Benjamin Franklin once said that  there are three extremely hard things: steel, diamond, and knowing oneself. Of course, such a task is not easy. Having to dive into a sea of ​​our own insecurities, fears,  worries, traits and imperfections requires a professional who has not only patience but also courage. But by knowing myself, I can ensure that others do not try to change me.

But there  are few things as valuable as defining oneself,  such as finding one’s own private space and one’s self-insight to remain true to oneself. This is the only way we can create strong social ties. We can create lives that are honest and true to our values. Where our behaviors and thoughts always match.

With this in mind, then there is something we should keep in mind. Not so long ago, Ti Nan Wang, a well-known psychologist who researches personality, explained something central in one of his articles. She explained that many in relationships “dilute” a part of themselves to achieve more harmony with their partner. It is a desire for understanding that turns into obedience and down-prioritization of one’s own needs. Our own needs are stored in the back of our minds.

Because of this, dr. Wang that  we develop the ability that she calls “balanced sincerity.” This is a concept based on Erikson’s stages in psychosocial development. This is a development that all relationships go through where both parties are able to define their identity. 

We must practice sincerity

It could be that we were once well-behaved, easy to manipulate, easy to please…  Most of us have been in these ways, because that’s how we are brought up. This, of course, made us easier to handle and control. We were good at fitting into the framework of society where it was a bit ill-fated to have one’s own voice.

All this means that we have some fear, or that we hesitate to show our true selves. For that reason, and despite knowing that these brave thoughts, voices, and feelings are necessary for our well-being, we said to ourselves, “ No, it’s better if they do not see me, do not hear me. That I do not stand out too much. ” We have to be rejected by others, contradict others, hurt their feelings, destroy the mold they have forced us into… 

But where is our self-image or identity right now? It is on strike. We become our own worst emotional enemy when we cannot practice healthy sincerity. We become victims of our own naivety by believing that by being authentic we are harming those around us. Even if it does not fit. To believe this means to let others change me according to their desire. Then they can change me to be someone I am not.

It was Aristotle who once said that the healthiest sincerity should come from what he called the “golden mean.” And here honesty will not cause harm or rejection if we are truly honest.

Try not to change me, love my color, both my dark and light sides

Dr. Yi Nan Yang from  Normal University of Beijing has created a fascinating scale called “AIRS” ( Authenticity in Relationships Scale). This scale aims to measure the authenticity of a relationship. One of the conclusions was  that the key to social well-being is that the parties can practice honesty, as mentioned earlier. Moreover, it is essential in this authentic identity not to put one’s own identity in the background or let others limit us.

The nine points that make up the “AIRS scale” are the following. To test yourself, answer with either “yes” or “no:”

1. I always hide my true thoughts for fear of rejection from others
2. I like helping others
3. I dare not tell others the truth for fear of hurting them
4. I am very conscious of having to be true to myself
5. I always find a way to make a compromise between my and others’ needs
6. I will never give up being myself and I will never allow anyone to force me to do so
7. I generally always tell the truth without fear of how others will react to it
8. I prioritize myself as the feelings of others are not important
9. I almost always insult others when I tell the truth

How to find your result from the AIRS scale

I’m sure you already have an idea of ​​what you got from the result on the scale. But here you can see how it is measured in three sections:

• Points 1-3 represent a distorted authenticity , where if you say yes to them, you tend to put other people’s feelings and identity above your own.
• Points 4-6 represent a  balanced authenticity or the ability to express ourselves freely and with respect. Here, one’s own as well as others’ needs are valued on an equal footing.
• Points 7-9 represent a  self-absorbed authenticity  or the extreme tendency to be selfish or aggressive. Here, the self is prioritized to the extent that it can hurt or offend others.

To conclude, there should be a balanced authenticity in our relationship. In this authenticity or sincerity, the truth must be expressed with respect. There must be a freedom in the relationship and the parties’ self-confidence must grow in step with the relationship. In practice, this authenticity is something that we should exercise in all aspects of life. It’s not just about being well-behaved or inferior, but about living with personality, living uniquely and of course being fantastic. That’s why you must not try to change me into someone I am not.