When Children Break Up With Parents

When children break up with parents, the latter does not always understand why. It is clear that no one is perfect. There are parents who no doubt do not deserve the love of their children. But there are also children who, for no reason at all, choose to move on, distance themselves and leave a painful silence in a confused and broken family.

It is without a doubt a complicated problem. Although there are still not enough statistics on the number of families with separated parents and children, it is worth pointing out that  in clinical practice this is one of the most common problems. It’s hard to be a mother or a father or a son or a daughter.

On the other hand, there is another factor that is worth mentioning. In popular literature, it is common to often find a picture of a toxic mother, of authoritarian parents and dysfunctional families who raise their children to be unhappy. It is an undeniable reality that no one can hide; it often happens right before our eyes.

One aspect that people do not talk much about is that  there are children who stop being in touch with their parents overnight. There are also adult children who influence their family with their unfavorable and exhausting behavior.

In some cases, there may be a psychological disorder behind it, but it is unlikely that 100% of these cases will cause such a problem.

Reasons why children break up with parents

In order to understand why children break up with parents, one has to take into account that  this kind of situation often depends on social and cultural contexts. 

For example, if you compare the Anglo-Saxon model with the Nipponese, you will see how cultural family values ​​are very different in both cases. The context therefore certainly plays a role, but personality and inner dynamics in each home are even more important.

In this sense, studies point to something very interesting, such as that published in the Journals of Gerontology  by Dr. Glenn Deane, Glenna Spitze and others. The reason children break up with parents is not always just because of one factor. There are no conclusive predictors, because sometimes things, such as a child’s partner or relationship with siblings, play a role.

However, there are two clear and obvious facts. The first is that the distance between parent and child is due to a complex bond between each other. And the second problem is regarding the child’s personality and the circumstances they live under.

Problematic upbringing and environment

When you think about the reasons why children break up with parents, there are effects of growing up characterized by indifference, humiliation, criticism, authority, and lack of support. Thus, when parents talk about their adult children in order to understand why they are distancing themselves, they may discover the following reasons:

• It is clear to the children that their parents (or at least one of them) did not fulfill their role in the family.
• Traumatic wounds that they carry make reconciliation impossible,  so it helps them heal to take some distance.
• There is a clear difference between their own values ​​and those of their parents. This is actually not a strong enough reason to cut them completely out of their lives. However, when parents do not respect their children’s lifestyle or ideas, and therefore punish or criticize them, the latter chooses to take a more drastic measure.

Children who do not love their parents: The incomprehensible silence

Some children simply choose to stop talking to their parents. That silence can make parents anxious and confused. However, this decision was not taken overnight. There is often a long history of problems that make the decision the only resort. Let us analyze the reasons behind it.

• The type of personality. Some people with problematic behaviors decide to cut their parents completely out of their lives. However, data show that the distance in this case is usually only temporary.
• Psychological problems or addiction. Sometimes children decide to get away from home or stop communicating with their parents due to ingestion of certain drugs or due to psychological disorders.
• To bear grudges. Financial instability, problems between siblings, quarrels and misunderstandings or lack of support can lead to an inevitable distance between family members.

• Romantic relationships. This is without a doubt another element one should consider. When they begin a relationship, they will obviously distance themselves a bit from the family. It is actually more common in co-dependent relationships where one person controls and isolates the other in order to deprive them of their emotional support.

What to do when children break up with parents

There are many reasons why children break up with parents. Every reality is unique and every family has expectations and special circumstances. There are even cases where distance is necessary for certain people  (especially if it becomes a traumatic experience to be together).

But something that experts recommend in all cases is communication. If a child needs to establish some distance from his own family, they will have to explain their reason for this decision. It helps to find a solution and reach a consensus. Getting professional help might also be just what the family needs.

On the other hand, something that experts often tell parents with problematic children is that they need to be patient. In most cases, the children make contact again.