It May Be Our Downfall To Try To Please Others

Close your eyes and imagine the Island of Desire. Wendy is a girl who takes care of the characters of the story in that fantasy world. She is capable of doing what Peter Pan does not dare, taking risks and taking responsibility, trying to please others but always in the background. Open your eyes again; it reminds you of something, right?

It is a metaphor that shows how often we try to please others and forget ourselves and what we really want. That way, it is very common to say yes to queries that are seemingly trivial, such as drinking coffee with a person when we do not feel like the one or more important suggestions such as getting married, studying in a particular industry, or having children. .

We choose the path that looks easier in the short term, avoids conflicts and ignores what we want. We prefer to pay the price instead of risking a scam or worrying about our already stressful days. But what we are really doing is underestimating the price we have to pay in the long run because we gave in.

“He had only touched me to turn my tears into sighs and my anger into desire. How accommodating love is; it forgives everything. “

-Isabel Allende-

We are afraid to say no and choose to please others, not to be rejected, put outside the group or disappoint anyone. But what happens to us?

An irrational belief: I need love and recognition

The psychologist, Albert Ellis, who created rational emotional therapy, talks about eleven common irrational beliefs. They disperse and isolate all other thoughts and emotions that normally live in our minds. They turn the horizon into a dark place and open the door to a feeling of weightless discomfort.

One of the beliefs is: “I need love and recognition from everyone around me” or “I must be loved and recognized by all the important people around me.” To varying degrees, this belief is established in the minds of almost everyone and is the one that makes us please other people.

It is an irrational belief because it is impossible to be recognized by everyone. If we need others to constantly acknowledge us, we will always be concerned about whether they accept us or not and to what extent people like us.

We can not make everyone like us

It is not realistic to think that everyone in the world will think we are good. On the other hand, it would take so much effort to get everyone else to recognize us that we would have left our own needs.

“Hopefully we have the power to be alone and the courage to risk being together.”
–Eduardo Galeano–

We must eliminate our excessive need for recognition and love. In that sense, it is more appropriate for you to look for recognition of your deeds and behaviors, than for yourself.

People who try to please others

A person who tries to please others tends to please or please others. In other words, he or she expresses a more or less constant tendency to fulfill the desires of others, even for personal price.

But if someone always gives in to the demands of others, they are not asserting their own position or defending their own interests. They simply adjust to the preferences of others without taking care of their own. Some risks that distinguish people who want to please others are the following:

• Perfectionism. Wanting to make things perfect leads to guilt when things do not end as expected, especially if it is about pleasing others. A welcoming person tends to be a perfectionist and does not understand that that perfectionism is what makes them feel frustrated.

• They feel indispensable. A person who constantly pleases others wants to feel indispensable that the people around them are dependent on them because that is what makes them feel accepted, respected and loved.
• Love is sacrifice. They understand that love means sacrifice and renounce romantic and family relationships where they feel discomfort, and accept it as a normal consequence of the relationship and love towards another person.

Everything is sacrifice

• Avoids conflicts. Constantly trying to please means avoiding conflicts. That is why a pleasant person avoids quarrels. They tell others that they are right and apologize for something as long as they are accepted.

• These are people who sacrifice something for the happiness of others to the point that they do not know what makes them really happy, that they are always thinking about what will make another person happy. They do not express emotions and shut themselves in so much that they end up not having their own ideas or expressing them.

“It does not matter how much they love you. It’s the way they do it that matters. ”
-Walter Riso-