Secret Games In Relationships: What Is It?

There is a saying about conditions that reads like this: “Birds of the same feather gather in flocks”. It relates to what leads to secret games in relationships. It describes in a way how the choice of people you surround yourself with usually follows unconscious patterns.

These choices usually stem from the emotional relationship between a person and their parents, especially during childhood. Thus, dysfunctional relationships between parents and children can damage relationships later in life and lead to what are called secret games in relationships.

The concept of secret games is found in the studies conducted by the Austrian psychologist Paul Watzlawick, who used it in his theory of human communication. Subsequently, psychotherapist Henry V. Dicks introduced the concept of collusion in marital relationships in his work: Marital Tensions .

However, it was the Swiss psychiatrist and psychotherapist Jurg Willi who popularized the term “collusion” or “secret games” in a relationship to refer to involuntary and dysfunctional behavior between the parties.

These types of behavior manifest themselves in marital conflicts. In addition, such toxic and unconscious dynamics bring the two parties in the relationship together.

According to Willi, the secret behavior forms something “ordinary unconscious” in a relationship. Here the conflict is repeated again and again at a distance or in close proximity to each other.

The parties in the relationship cannot tolerate separation, but neither can intimacy. This makes them feel suffocated when they are together and they experience separation anxiety when they are alone.

Thus, the parties in the relationship go from being individuals to becoming a hermetic entity, where their individual boundaries overlap and establish toxic patterns of behavior. Thus, one cannot speak of an individual pathology; instead, there is a pathology in the relationship.

Secret polarity in a relationship

In the secret, dyadic dynamics, each party in the relationship manifests a polarized role. That is, each person recreates a function of the division of active-passive, submissive-dominant, and independent-dependent behavior.

The weak party tends to have a regressive and immature attitude, and most active parties represent a progressive role or a false maturity. This is because they assume the adult role in relation to the other party. The pair thus come together in a vicious, defensive cycle.

Secret games in a relationship usually stem from repressed, similar, emotional wounds in childhood that have not yet healed. Both parties need the other for a mutual cure for frustrations and unfulfilled desires in their childhood.

Each party expects the other person to save them from their own internal conflicts. They expect the other party to free them from their previous fears. Likewise, they expect the other person to heal existing wounds from other relationships (love or family relationships) that were not satisfactory.

In an attempt to fix each other’s emotional wounds, they step into the same ineffective patterns and the same difficulties over and over again. They do all this just to solve their marital and individual problems. However, this leads to pain, disappointment, mutual guilt and fear projection.

Some people say, “I’m like this because of you.” The paradox of this situation is that neither party really wants to change anything about themselves. Instead, they further emphasize the seriousness of a given situation.

Let go of secret games in relationships

Secret games in a relationship are traps that perpetuate toxic guilt mechanisms, blame, and insecurity.

In a marital crisis, one can remain in a toxic relationship in a hidden way, or else one party will no longer be a part of such games so that person may end up saying stop and break the marriage completely.

In other cases, there is also the possibility of going into therapy. The therapist will be able to guide both parties in the relationship so that one arrives at the right solution.

However, you can only build love when you let go of expectations and begin to see each other as equal individuals.

Building expectations that are impossible to meet and avoiding taking responsibility for one’s own wounds can only lead to frustrations. It only leads couples into chaos that are capable of destroying and degrading a person’s self-esteem.

One must keep in mind that in love one can always fall and rise again. Likewise, one must learn to develop all the human potential one possesses within. However, it must always be from a perspective of respect and responsibility for each party.

Many people believe that a couple’s success is to stay together forever, but perhaps the secret is the opposite. Maybe success is just staying together while being healthy.